Today’s guest is Stuart Fensterheim, a licensed clinical social worker, blogger, author and podcast host.  He is located in Scottsdale, AZ. Stuart is a couples expert which means he works with couples having difficulty feeling close and connected to one another. He assists them in finding ways to deepen their relationship by understanding and sharing what each person needs in the relationship. In today’s episode, we are going to discuss divorce and how parents can navigate this with their teens.

What you will learn in today’s episode:

• Stuart shares his personal journey of experiencing divorce as a child and how he became a couples counselor
• Emotional connection can make or break a relationship
• Changing one couple can positively impact the future generations 
• Stuart shares his belief about how marriages can be saved
• He defines a “relationship injury” and the repair work
• How parents navigate going through a divorce with their children
  • Have to do it without blaming the partner
  • Remind your children they are not responsible for the divorce
  • Depends on age of child and how much you share
  • Parents have a conversation prior to speaking to children and create a plan
• Children may not have questions immediately
• Grieving is part of the process
• Parents “this is the time to use your resources”-other adults as support vs your children
• When parent begins to date again, ready to introduce your children to new person do in a neutral location
• Your daughter doesn’t have to choose between loving you or their other parent-she gets to love you both
• Father and daughter relationship can become stronger if there is a divorce
• Life can be beautiful-do the inner work

Stuart’s Information

His Site www.thecouplesexperts.com

Couples Expert Podcast:  http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/podcasts/

YouTube Channel: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/video-blog/

Book recommendations (Affiliate Links)

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher PhD and Robert Alberti PhD

In this episode I discuss the difference between praise and encouraging words, discouraging statements and self-reflection for parents and others raising or mentoring teenage girls. Being a teenager can be challenging because they are wanting to feel accepted, step into their own identity but are still trying out new behaviors or beliefs, and wanting to feel successful and that they are enough. Parents, teachers, coaches, and mentors can role-model encouragement to improve self-esteem and use language that supports the teens in their life.

In this episode you will learn:

• What discouragement can look like or sound like from your teen daughter
• Praise vs encouragement language
• PCIT-Parent-Child Interactive Therapy for parents of young children and how labeled praises is encouraging for compliance vs good or bad child
• Family meetings episode 2-help in decision making process
• Reflecting on what your expectations are for your teenager-overly ambitious which reinforces she is not enough or accepting her where she is
• Previous conversation with Neil Brown PhD (episode 58)-power struggles and faith in your child
• Comparing your children to one another or other teens-creates self-doubt, sense of unworthiness
• Exploring your own values and hers-check out episode one
• Encouraging her effort and improvement
• Focus on her strengths vs only focusing on the negative behaviors
• Stating what you appreciate about them (in any relationship)
• Embracing being imperfect as a teen and parent
• Examples of encouraging statements
• Build self-esteem:
  • give them responsibility,
  • have faith in them, s
  • how appreciation for what they are doing at home,
  • ask them for suggestions and feedback about family decisions,
  • help them accept mistakes they made-episode 32 discussion with Lisa Damour, PhD
  • reflect on her progress and process
  • look at positive expectations without rescuing
  • Reframing, zooming out, and helping her with different possible perspectives
• Parents reflect on how do you encourage yourself?

Today’s is Lisa Marchiano, is a licensed clinical social worker and Jungian analyst. She has a private practice located in Philadelphia, PA and works with adults struggling with depression, anxiety, relationship issues, past traumas and grief and loss. She likes to work with myths, dreams, and fairy tales in her practice.

Myths, fairy tales, and archetypes

• Lisa discusses what it is to be a Jungian analyst
• Jung stated we don’t stop growing psychology-it is a life long journey
• Lisa shares her experience of being a mother and doing Jungian training
• Parenting has its challenges and it can help parents continue to grow

Why self-care is important for mothers

• Self-care can help mothers staying connected to themselves
• Motherhood can increase creativity
• Giving yourself permission to set time aside for creative outlet
• Can help you focus more vs trying to make the situation perfect
• Role models to children
• Creativity can feed our soul
• Split off from creativity due to motherhood
  • Lisa shares how Rumpelstiltskin fairytale mirrors splitting off part of self and reintegration
  • How JK Rowling’s childhood experience with her dad impacted her creativity and relationships
• Stories that were created from ancestors and challenging them
  • Can nurture your creativity and children
  • Changing from “either/or” to “both/and” language
• Being mindful of not making your children the excuse for not practicing self-care, staying connected to self or pursuing your dreams
• When we don’t make time for ourselves it can increase feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and depression

Lisa’s Information

Blog: www.theJungSoul.com

Her Site www.lisamarchiano.com

New site:  https://motherhoodtransformation.com/

Twitter: @LisaMarchiano

For PDF on emotions: http://nicolecburgess.com/emotions/

In today’s episode, I am going to discuss family roles and how your teenagers can challenge them. Before I get into this I want to share a movie I watched recently called Tommy’s Honour. It is based on true facts regarding a father (Tom Morris) and his son (Tommy Morris) in the late 1800’s in Scotland. These two men are credited with being pioneers of professional golf. Tom wanted Tommy to take over the business of being greens keeper and the club and ball maker when he died. Tommy wanted to play golf and challenged not only his family role but unwritten rules of social class.  Tommy and his father had various conflicts when his dad attempted to remind him of his role or place in life. Tommy not only changed professional golfers being paid fairly, but role modeled not letting prejudice or old beliefs systems stop him from loving the woman he married. Margaret (Tommy’s wife) had gotten pregnant out of wedlock and was banned from her church and Tommy’s mother wanted him to “never see her again” when she discovered this information. Tommy went against his mother’s advice and the towns. Margaret informed Tommy’s mother of some missing information and the two women reconciled their break in the relationship. Toward the end of the movie, Tom makes a decision for his son vs allowing his adult son to make the choice himself, and it had a heartbreaking impact on Tommy. Tommy showed his Dad how we can love through the biases, not live to get other people’s approval and forgive others when they have made mistakes.

In this episode you learn: Family Roles

• Movies can help families explore various topics within the family and the world
• Episode 65 Dr. Julie Hanks discusses family identity
• Episode 49 I discuss how psychotherapy conference impacted me and my hope for families to seek to understand vs blame, deny or dismiss being different
• Encourage parents and caregivers to explore their own beliefs and biases vs project onto daughters or allowing fear to run your decisions
• Stand beside your daughter as she shares her future desires and wants-work together vs against her
• Family meetings

I invite you to invest in yourself through my coaching services 

My guests today is Susan Sweet PhD and Brenda Miles PhD. Susan is a clinical psychologist and mother of two.She has worked in hospital, school, and community-based settings and is passionate about children’ mental health and well-being. Susan hopes worries never overshadow anyone’s dreams.

Brenda is a pediatric neuropsychologist who has worked in hospital, rehabilitation, and school settings. Brenda has conquered her fear of writing, despite the risk of rejections, revisions, and writer’s block. As for her other fears, she’s still working on them. 

Susan and Brenda have co-authored Princes Penelopea Hates Peas: A Tale of Picky Eating and Avoiding Catastropeas, King Calm: Mindful Gorilla in the City, Cinderstella: A Tale of Planets Not Princes, Jacqueline and the Beanstalk: A Tale of Facing Giant Fears, and Chicken or Egg: Who Comes First? These books are written for ages four to eight.

Why write the books for young girls?

• Worked together and decided to write a book about picky eating
• Retelling of fairy tales and combing psychology with creativity
• Early interventions helps build resilience and healthy habits
• Picture books open up dialog and communicate in way for young children
• Mental and physical health impact one another
• Stories can help change thought patterns regarding eating habits and anxiety management
• Fun to write and “our brains crave stories”-Brenda
• Parent and caregiver notes in back of book

What are concerns of parents with young girls?

• Parents want the best for the children, but put a lot of pressure on themselves
• Parents wonder when should I address issue
• Books are about non-judgment
• Want skills to help children be successful
• Times is limited so having two pages in back of book with condense information from vetted sources

Words of encouragement for parents

• If your young daughter is struggling with anxiety it can be addressed and improved-we are able to rewire the brain with evidenced based practices
• Anxiety can help keep us safe as long as it is manageable
• Doesn’t reflect on skills of parents-anxiety is common and parents are not alone
• Explore other factors that may contribute to anxiety symptoms

Susan’s Information

Facebook: @susansweet.authorpage

Twitter: @susandsweet2

Brenda’s Information

Magination author page: http://maginationpress.apabooks.org/?p=878

Pinterest: DrBrendaMiles

http://www.apa.org/pubs/magination/

In this episode: Transitions

I am returning to a discussion about transitions in life. If your daughter is graduating high school or college this year, now is a good time to begin having conversations about this change.

Often we do not acknowledge the joys and sorrows that come with ending a chapter in our lives and creating a dialog about this topic is important to help create a smoother transition. I also share the possible transition with this podcast and embracing changes.

Episode 17: Rituals around transitions

Preparing you and your daughter for college transition

Listen in on ways parents and caregivers can either deepen their relationship with their teen daughter or create a bigger divide. Over the years teenagers have shared their frustrations with me about what their parents do or don’t do in building a relationship with them. These suggestions are areas to reflect on, discuss during family meetings, explore how to improve or change current behaviors both as parents or as teens. 

In this episode you will learn: Relationship

• Actively listening to your teenager without judgment or trying to fix
• Grilling your teen with questions
• Be mindful of not stereotyping your teen behaviors
• Chores, timing, hidden agendas, and compliance
• Family meetings
• Conflicts and apologies-this is repair work in the relationship; embracing imperfections
• Social media-do NOT publish embarrassing photos or video about your child-causes shame, humiliation, and damages your relationship with your teenager
• Not sweating the small stuff and choosing conflict wisely
• Criticizing or nitpicking your teen daughter or giving feedback with love and respect
• Putting down your teens appearance vs self-expression
• Being on the phone, social media or with friends vs being with your teen
• Comparing your children to one another or other teens-creates self-doubt, sense of unworthiness
• Expectations at extracurricular activities-criticizing your child or belittling their performance
• Working together as a team vs placing the problem between your relationship

Today’s guest is Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist specializing in women’s emotional health and relationships. Dr. Hanks is the founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, author of The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women, a blogger, a local and national media contributor, an online influencer, a consultant, and an award-winning performing songwriter.  A native Californian, Hanks currently lives in Salt Lake City, UT with her husband and their 4 children. She enjoys spending time with family and friends, taking naps, reading, writing, eating a lot of chocolate. We discuss what it means to be an assertive woman and how it positively impacts your daughter.

Why write the book on being assertive?

• In her clinical practice noticed young women didn’t know what to be assertiveness about, so wrote a five step process to assist women.
• “We are socialized to care for others.” Dr.Julie Hanks”]
• Vital for women to know themselves
• Women can lose themselves when focused on others only
• Fear of disconnection in relationship
• When adult women don’t know themselves – can project unresolved issues onto daughters
• About role modeling and connecting

What is attachment theory and how it impacts assertiveness?

• Anxious, Avoidant and Secure
• Develop during childhood
• Can change through healthy relationships
• Psychotherapy can assist with developing more secure attachment
• Differentiation of self and why it is positive step
• Developmental stage where teen girls can challenge family identity
• What do I think, feel, want and need-can change daily
• Being able to label emotions-primary and secondary emotions
  • Julie shares personal story about her and one of her daughters

Tips

• Do your own inner work for both you (parent) and your daughter
• Self-Care role models to both sons and daughters to take care of themselves and when they are in relationships

Julie’s Information

Download first chapter for FREE www.assertivenessguide.com

Website: www.DrJulieHanks.com

Social Media: @drjuliehanks

To buy book (affiliate link)

For PDF on emotions: http://nicolecburgess.com/emotions/

My guest today is Dr. Maggie Wray. She is a psychologist, mentor and life coach in the Atlanta, GA area. Maggie has Ph.D. in Neurobiology & Behavior from Cornell and is a success coach for teens and young adults. A fun fact about Maggie is she has a Bachelor degree in astrophysics from Princeton. She shares tips and tricks in time management, improving your focus muscle and organization.

Getting to the Why in Time Management

• Maggie shares her personal journey into why she coaches
• She is a certified academic coach and ADHD coach
• Time management is the challenge for teens and young adults vs the IQ
• Executive functioning part of the brain is still developing until mid 20’s
• What are skills and habits needed to be successful
• Mindset is a critical piece to time management
• Help your teen get to the “why” it matters to them

Training yourself to Focus

• During teen years parents become more of consultant vs manager
• Parents stay curious with your daughter’s distractors and explore with her
• There are ways to block internet distractions during time of focus
• Training yourself to go more into deep focus vs FOMO (fear of missing out)
• Multitasking is a myth
• Building a focus muscle

Planners, calendars, and organization

• Have a family calendar-helps decrease uncertainty for your daughter
• Teenagers having their own planner-track what you need to do
• Can reflect on if over scheduling your family or your daughter is overwhelmed
• Or does your teen have too much time which can increase procrastinating or lack of structure
• Explore your teens fear of “If I have time off”
• Decluttering vs organization
• Daily and weekly routine

Procrastination

• It is not about being lazy or unmotivated
• High achievers-typically how they are handling emotions regarding that task
• Self-forgiveness is key
• How brainstorming helps
• Focusing on starting
• Get into ACTION

Maggie’s information:

CreatingPositiveFutures.com

Free PDF from Maggie: CreatingPositiveFutures.com/Nicole

Resources (Some are affiliate links)

Khan Academy

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondō