To listen to audio only or download click the podcast player below

This was originally published on March 28, 2020 on Soulfilled Sisterhood podcast.

Some highlights from this episode-Parenting during Coronavirus:

• If your child doesn’t have a specific time to start online school let them sleep in some
• Let go of “doing it all” especially if you are working from home
• If have younger child(ren) shift your expectations around their education requirements
  • Emotional Support and love most important right now
  • Home Schooling is not a full 8 hour day
• Look at starting or restarting family meetings (LYD episode 03 Link)
• For more tips please watch the video or listen to the episode on your favorite podcast player.
• Self-care is important during the Coronavirus
• For full show notes click here

What is imposter syndrome?

Anytime you think are a fake or fraud.

Maybe you have had thoughts of  “who am I to be sharing my writing with the world?” or “Who am I to share my expertise?”

Imposter Syndrome impacts both genders and can occur at any age.

Why? Because when you are getting out of your comfort zone, going toward a dream or goal you want to achieve in your life, the naysayer or inner critic or whatever you name that voice that tells you that you aren’t enough…you know you are stretching yourself.

For any of my mom’s watching who have an adolescent daughter, you may remember episode 6 on Launching Your Daughter podcast I share Amy Cuddy’s book called Presence: Bringing your Boldest Self to your Biggest Challenges. She discussed how imposter syndrome has impacted everyone at some point in time in their life and is across demographics. One aspect I love so much about this book is her emphasis on the body/mind connection. How when we have more awareness of how our bodies feel we are more present. She shares various power stances in the book to help you feel more empowered in your body, which can shift your emotions.

This is what I help with for teen girls and women I see in my practice. I help them pause more to gain more awareness of how their minds and bodies are connected. How when they are stretching themselves, trying something new, changing careers, starting a family, that self-doubt and worry will occur, it is normal, and that as they continue to embrace their new behaviors their mindset begins to follow. You are seeing yourself as the person you want to become. You are taking action vs getting stuck in the worry loop.

It is completely normal to feel like an imposter at times in your life. Know that you are making changes the feel uncomfortable and as you embrace the discomfort you are growing. You are learning more about you.

Action:

Write down a time in your life you felt outside your comfort zone.

What did you do that helped you through those moments of doubts or fears?

Who was your support system?

What did you do for self-care?

Do you struggle with worrying and have a behavior to relieve the emotion, but it no longer serves you? You may have developed a worry loop pattern that is now a habit.

You may be predisposed to anxiety or worry due to family genetics. (Have your parents or grandparents been diagnosed with a mental health issue?) Or maybe you have had multiple traumas in past that has impacted you managing your worries.

Our brains are wired to go to the negative.

You can’t change the triggers or the emotions that arise within you, but you can change your behavior. 

You will need to engage the prefrontal cortex to learn a new behavior/new coping skill.

Example of a loop:

You feel nervous about an upcoming test or speech, so you bite my nails. You bite my nails to relieve the nervousness. You feel calm for a few seconds or minutes, have another thought about the upcoming event, bite your nails again, it relieves the feeling, and you do the behavior again until nail-biting becomes the habit when you feel nervous or anxious.

To interrupt the loop:

First, you have to notice the feeling (I.e. where in your body do you feel the emotion)

Second choose a different behavior to change the loop, such as squeeze a stress ball.

Another behavior option is using this mindfulness approach. Notice and observe your surroundings-what colors do you see, what sounds do you hear, what smells do you smell, what textures do you feel and what do you taste. All of this brings you into the present moment. The only moment you have is the present one.

As your practice interrupting your old worry feedback loop you may feel more discomfort at first. As you practice your new behavior, or where you place your focus, you are creating a new neurological pathway in your brain. The saying is what wires together fire together. You are changing that path and engaging the prefrontal cortex.

Having self-compassion for yourself as you change habits is vital. Give yourself a mental high five for taking this brave step in taking back control over your life. Whether you have to do that new behavior once or twenty times or more that day. You are taking the step in reclaiming your life.

As you practice new behavior you may notice your confidence begins to increase in believing you are capable of stopping the worrying.

No matter where you are right now with this loop in order to change it you need to take ACTION. Anxiety (or what I call self-doubt or fearful thoughts-fear gremlins) do not like when you take action. Practicing sitting meditation, walking meditation, exercising, journaling, all of those mindfulness behaviors are you taking action to change the feedback loop.

In my last vlog, I discussed how money and stress are related. Money continues to be one of the top three stressors in relationships. Today I want to talk about beliefs or stories surrounding money.

Money stories can keep you afraid of earning more, asking for a higher salary, or being in alignment with your values. If you struggle with finances I invite you to gently explore your own money story. How old were you when began to take on this belief? What did your parents say about money? I have four themes that typically come up from people I have worked with over the years. Do any of these fit for you?

Anxious Avoider

Were you told “women don’t know how to manage money” or that, “women aren’t good with numbers”? Maybe you heard that having money is “bad” or “evil” or makes you selfish. Fast forward to where you are now in life. Do you find yourself unsure of how to create or stay consistent with a budget? Maybe hoping your bills will get paid or you think will eventually payoff credit card debt or school loan, but don’t open your bank statements or view them online for fear of it being in the red.

Money Hoarder

Was your message that “Money needs to be saved, not spent?” Or it sounded a little more extreme in that, “Either you save money or you are in debt?” Or how about being a “penny-pincher” or “frugal” will create happiness? Fast forward to now. You are good at saving money, know how much you have in the bank, pay your bills on time, but struggle with spending money on yourself or your family for fear of being in debt. You often miss out on activities with others or instantly say, “No” to requests. This story keeps you feeling unhappy and disconnected from friends and family.

Sassy Saver

You know what is in your bank account, manage your budget monthly, consistently pay off bills and can give generously from your heart because you live below your means and have been following your financial plan. You are saving for your retirement, have your finances in order, and feel confident in the direction you are going in your life because you have created a plan. You have taken back your power and feel confident and in control of your money story. You know it is ok to ask for a raise or charge for your skills in business.

The more you avoid exploring your money story (or stories) the more anxiety and fears grow, which keeps you stuck. These unconscious beliefs can sabotage how much you earn, how to manage your finances and impact your all areas of your life.

Believing you offer value to your employer or in the business you run is why you charge the rates you do or ask for that raise. It is your skills, your expertise, and YOU that bring value to the company or business.

Together we can dig deep and explore the root of the emotion(s) that is keeping you stuck, such as loneliness, unworthiness, or fear. You begin to take action, consistently, in creating what is in alignment with your truth. 

If you are ready to take back your power around money then contact me today for your free 20-minute consult. I offer single mentoring sessions and packages to help you transform your money story.

Your financial well-being impacts your stress

Do you worry about how you are going to pay the next bill?

Or do you avoid looking at your bills or bank statement and in hopes things will “just work out somehow”?

Or maybe you were not taught how to manage your finances or create a budget.

Over the years I have worked with women, parents, and teens in changing their behaviors around finances. I have witnessed women walk into my office with more confidence because they have reduced their expenses, have money in the bank for the first time in months (and sometimes ever) and are following their budget to stay out of debt.

But Nicole you work with anxiety and mindfulness-how does this relate to finances?

My experience as a therapist and working in the accounting field in the past assists me in coaching women in underlying money blocks and changing behaviors. Exploring your stories or beliefs about money allows to your re-awaken the deeper more authentic you.

I love diving deep into the human psyche and unlock those places that have been hidden or are in the shadows. When we shine the light on those areas, you begin to live with more ease, feel more confident and can improve your relationship not only with yourself but those in your life.

Money LOVES clarity.

When you are clear with your values then you control where and how you save, give and spend your money.

I’m going to challenge you to begin to get curious about your money mindset.

• Write down what you were told about money growing up
• How did your parents manage or not manage money

If you want more support and not go this alone, then call me today. I offer money mentoring packages where we dive deep into your money story and get into the practical of “How To” creating a budget for 60 minutes, then through three 30-minute phone or video sessions for the next 3 or 6 months to maintain focus and create new habits. Call now for your free 20 minute consult to reduce your stress and regain confidence about your finances. 

Today’s guest is Stuart Fensterheim, a licensed clinical social worker, blogger, author and podcast host.  He is located in Scottsdale, AZ. Stuart is a couples expert which means he works with couples having difficulty feeling close and connected to one another. He assists them in finding ways to deepen their relationship by understanding and sharing what each person needs in the relationship. In today’s episode, we are going to discuss divorce and how parents can navigate this with their teens.

What you will learn in today’s episode:

• Stuart shares his personal journey of experiencing divorce as a child and how he became a couples counselor
• Emotional connection can make or break a relationship
• Changing one couple can positively impact the future generations 
• Stuart shares his belief about how marriages can be saved
• He defines a “relationship injury” and the repair work
• How parents navigate going through a divorce with their children
  • Have to do it without blaming the partner
  • Remind your children they are not responsible for the divorce
  • Depends on age of child and how much you share
  • Parents have a conversation prior to speaking to children and create a plan
• Children may not have questions immediately
• Grieving is part of the process
• Parents “this is the time to use your resources”-other adults as support vs your children
• When parent begins to date again, ready to introduce your children to new person do in a neutral location
• Your daughter doesn’t have to choose between loving you or their other parent-she gets to love you both
• Father and daughter relationship can become stronger if there is a divorce
• Life can be beautiful-do the inner work

Stuart’s Information

His Site www.thecouplesexperts.com

Couples Expert Podcast:  http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/podcasts/

YouTube Channel: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/video-blog/

Book recommendations (Affiliate Links)

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher PhD and Robert Alberti PhD

Over the years I have had various pieces of advice given to me from being a female, what it is like growing up, what to do in relationships, how to communicate, and more. Below is some tips mothers would like their daughters to know.

1. If someone tells you that you can’t do something because you’re a girl do it anyway, and do it better.
2. Your weight does not define you.
3. A smile is your best accessory.
4. It’s okay to like pink things and play with toy trucks at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive.
5. You will always remember your first love, so choose wisely.
6. Meet someone who makes you laugh so hard your stomach and cheeks hurt.
7. Be gentle with other people’s feelings. Everyone is fighting their own battle.
8. Don’t waste your life gossiping about other people. You have so many more interesting and helpful things to talk about.
9. Inner beauty is so much more important than outer beauty. Sometimes people’s best qualities are things that aren’t as obvious as looks.
10. 10.Don’t compare yourself to others-it steals your joy.
11. 11.Your light shines brighter now when you try to blow other girls’ lights out.
12. 12.If people are talking about you, you know you are not boring!
13. 13.Your lines show your life, your persona. Smile!
14. 14.Enter and stay in a relationship for the right reasons.
15. 15.Most fairy tales were written by men.

Create your own life

No matter what advice you are given as an adult woman or teenage girl, it is your life and you are responsible for the choices you make in it. To all of the women who have come before us and blazed the trails, thank you for your courage, strength, and advice.

In this episode I discuss the difference between praise and encouraging words, discouraging statements and self-reflection for parents and others raising or mentoring teenage girls. Being a teenager can be challenging because they are wanting to feel accepted, step into their own identity but are still trying out new behaviors or beliefs, and wanting to feel successful and that they are enough. Parents, teachers, coaches, and mentors can role-model encouragement to improve self-esteem and use language that supports the teens in their life.

In this episode you will learn:

• What discouragement can look like or sound like from your teen daughter
• Praise vs encouragement language
• PCIT-Parent-Child Interactive Therapy for parents of young children and how labeled praises is encouraging for compliance vs good or bad child
• Family meetings episode 2-help in decision making process
• Reflecting on what your expectations are for your teenager-overly ambitious which reinforces she is not enough or accepting her where she is
• Previous conversation with Neil Brown PhD (episode 58)-power struggles and faith in your child
• Comparing your children to one another or other teens-creates self-doubt, sense of unworthiness
• Exploring your own values and hers-check out episode one
• Encouraging her effort and improvement
• Focus on her strengths vs only focusing on the negative behaviors
• Stating what you appreciate about them (in any relationship)
• Embracing being imperfect as a teen and parent
• Examples of encouraging statements
• Build self-esteem:
  • give them responsibility,
  • have faith in them, s
  • how appreciation for what they are doing at home,
  • ask them for suggestions and feedback about family decisions,
  • help them accept mistakes they made-episode 32 discussion with Lisa Damour, PhD
  • reflect on her progress and process
  • look at positive expectations without rescuing
  • Reframing, zooming out, and helping her with different possible perspectives
• Parents reflect on how do you encourage yourself?

Today’s is Lisa Marchiano, is a licensed clinical social worker and Jungian analyst. She has a private practice located in Philadelphia, PA and works with adults struggling with depression, anxiety, relationship issues, past traumas and grief and loss. She likes to work with myths, dreams, and fairy tales in her practice.

Myths, fairy tales, and archetypes

• Lisa discusses what it is to be a Jungian analyst
• Jung stated we don’t stop growing psychology-it is a life long journey
• Lisa shares her experience of being a mother and doing Jungian training
• Parenting has its challenges and it can help parents continue to grow

Why self-care is important for mothers

• Self-care can help mothers staying connected to themselves
• Motherhood can increase creativity
• Giving yourself permission to set time aside for creative outlet
• Can help you focus more vs trying to make the situation perfect
• Role models to children
• Creativity can feed our soul
• Split off from creativity due to motherhood
  • Lisa shares how Rumpelstiltskin fairytale mirrors splitting off part of self and reintegration
  • How JK Rowling’s childhood experience with her dad impacted her creativity and relationships
• Stories that were created from ancestors and challenging them
  • Can nurture your creativity and children
  • Changing from “either/or” to “both/and” language
• Being mindful of not making your children the excuse for not practicing self-care, staying connected to self or pursuing your dreams
• When we don’t make time for ourselves it can increase feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and depression

Lisa’s Information

Blog: www.theJungSoul.com

Her Site www.lisamarchiano.com

New site:  https://motherhoodtransformation.com/

Twitter: @LisaMarchiano

For PDF on emotions: http://nicolecburgess.com/emotions/