Nicole Burgess

CEO|LMFT|Empowerment Coach for Women

Nicole Burgess works with teen girls and women in overcoming anxiety, over functioning, and rediscovering joy. She offers online therapy sessions for Indiana residents. She is also a life & business coach for introverted, HSP, and high achieving professional women.

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Mothers and fathers when your depression or anxiety symptoms begin to impact your daily living here are some tips on taking care of yourself and informing your daughter of the changes.

Depression makes a noticeable difference

You can’t pretend everything’s OK when it’s not. If your depression has you napping more than usual, or not doing the things you usually enjoy, chances are those around you recognize that something is wrong, even if they haven’t said anything. If you experience anxiety, your daughter has probably noticed that you don’t participate in some activities that her friends’ mothers seem to embrace.

Unanswered questions can create anxiety

It’s natural for your daughter to have questions about what you’re experiencing and why. She may wonder whether she did something wrong or whether you’ll harm yourself. If she doesn’t have answers, she may invent them — and her imagination may be much worse than the reality.

Acknowledge her observations

When depression causes you to change your routines or anxiety affects your choices, letting your daughter know what is going on may help ease her worries by keeping her from imagining the worst.

Be supportive

Assure your daughter that what is happening to you is not her fault and that you still love her. Tell her that she should feel free to share her concerns and that you will try to answer her questions as well as you can.

Be honest — and balanced

You’ll want to walk the line between answering your daughter’s questions and not giving her more information than she can handle. A lot will depend on her age maturity level. If she’s a teen, you can talk about your moods. If she’s very young, she may only need to know that sometimes you need to rest.

Reach out for resources

If you’re not sure how much to tell your daughter, your therapist can give you some tips. You may also want to consider getting some counseling for your daughter, so she has a safe space to share her concerns and feelings.

Call Nicole for your free 15-minute consult

Nicole Burgess

LMFT and Life Coach

Nicole Burgess works with teen girls and women in overcoming anxiety, perfectionism and rediscovering joy. She offers both office and online therapy sessions for Indiana and California residents. She is also a life coach for mothers of teens wanting to break free from the myth of being a perfect mom and embracing her divine feminine.

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I have heard this often over the years with the mothers I worked with, “Nicole I don’t have time to exercise or have quiet time for me.” Whether your daughter (or son) is one week old or in their 20’s and living at home, you have to take time for you. It is not being selfish when you do self-care. When you are overwhelmed, exhausted or just plain tired, you do not have any energy to be fully present with your child(ren) and/or partner. When you are exhausted and don’t give yourself permission to rest or go have some fun, you are more irritable with others and then will feel bad about yourself because you yelled at your child or partner. It is also role modeling to your daughter or son that you are more than a mom. I invite you to chose at least one of these tips and do it today.

Take time-outs

Sure, it’s easier said than done — but it’s not impossible. Even small chunks of ‘me’ time can help you recharge. Take advantage of naptime to put the baby in a stroller and enjoy a walk. Relax with a cup of coffee while the kids are absorbed in coloring. Read a book chapter, before you turn off the lights. If nothing else fits into your crazy schedule, step into the next room and take a few deep breaths.

Ask for help

If you need to take some time for yourself, don’t be afraid to leave the kids with your spouse or a sitter for a while. This can give you the time you need to run errands or pamper yourself with a manicure, a massage, or even just a haircut.

Keep the love alive

Whether it’s making time for a date night or just slipping a short love note into your partner’s pocket, rekindling romance can be a great reminder that motherhood is only one of your many roles in life.

Stay connected

Find a few minutes to call or text a friend who knew you before you became a mother.

Follow your bliss

If you had a hobby, keep your hand in it. If not, find something you enjoy doing, if only for a few minutes a day. When you’re with the kids, it’s OK to include activities you enjoy, like crafts, reading, being outdoors or going for ice cream.

Write it down

Journaling can help you stay in touch with your feelings, hopes, and dreams. If you feel like you’re losing your identity, ask yourself whether some of your beliefs and expectations about motherhood might be standing in the way of who you want to be, and what you want from life.

Nicole Burgess LMFT works with teen girls and women in overcoming anxiety, perfectionism and rediscovering joy. She offers both office and online therapy sessions for Indiana and California residents.

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Is your daughter graduating high school this year or within the next couple of years? Here are some steps to prepare her for a successful launch and for you to practice self-care.

Teach her practical skills

You’ll feel a lot more confident sending your daughter off to college when you know she knows how to do laundry, budget for expenses, balance a checkbook, manage her time well, get the right help in an emergency and other basic life skills. Kids who struggle most are the ones whose parents always managed everything for them.

Help her build resilience

Letting her figure out how to solve little problems, like missing the bus, helps build her self-confidence. Teaching her how to cope with small failures, disappoint and losses can give her a stronger foundation for rebounding from the larger hurts that life might throw at her.

Try a dry run

Whether it’s a youth group camp-out or a week long class trip, short periods of independence can help both of you prepare for the day when you drop her off for her first semester.

Let her shine

When you drop her off, remember that it is her moment, her new beginning. Be honest about how much you’ll miss her, but don’t burden her with your anxiety. Remember that your need to be needed should take a back seat to her need to grow into her independence.

Negotiate communication

You and your daughter might want to agree on how often you should call or text. You’ll want to balance being available if she needs you with giving her the privacy she needs to shape her new life.

Be good to yourself

Plan something fun for the day after you drop her off, so the house seems less lonely. Going forward, take the time to get back in touch with your dreams, dive into your hobbies, reconnect with friends you haven’t seen recently and enjoy some quality time with your partner. Be confident that you raised your daughter to handle the college transition, and that you’ve prepared yourself, as well.

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Nicole Burgess LMFT works with teen girls and women in overcoming anxiety and perfectionism, so they can feel more calm, and confident in everyday moments. She offers online therapy sessions for Indiana and Maine residents.

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Parenting a teenager can be challenging and rewarding. Being an adolescent isn’t always smooth sailing either. Below are five tips that can help cultivate a relationship of respect and trust between you and your daughter.

Walk the walk

Earn your daughter’s trust by showing that you are trustworthy. Say what you mean, mean what you say and do what you said you’d do. Your honesty, openness, consistency and integrity make you a strong role model for her.

Listen and learn

Listening without judgment creates a space where your daughter can feel free to talk about what’s going on in her life. That can help you gain insight into what’s important to her, and where she might need support. Keep in mind that if you’re thinking about what she’s saying while she’s talking, you’re not really listening. When she’s finished, repeat what she said in your own words to let her know you heard her and to clear up any possible miscommunication.

Keep cool

Sooner later she’s bound to drop a bombshell—a tattoo, a pregnancy, a drug problem or something else. It’s OK to tell her that you need time to process what she’s told you before you respond. By staying calm in an emotionally tense situation, you show her that she can trust you. You also model for her how to channel intense emotions, which will help her in her own life.

Promote the positive

Instead of criticizing, focus on what’s she’s doing right and acknowledge her efforts. In other words, catch her being good. Giving her the credit she deserves provides positive reinforcement and praising her good qualities can help build her sense of self and self-worth.

Support — and surrender

You’ll want to offer guidance when you think she’s going to get herself in trouble. Keep in mind you can’t protect her from everything, and sometimes experience really is the best teacher. We’ve all learned from painful lessons. There may be times that the things she gets herself into provide you with an opportunity to learn how to trust that your relationship is solid, you’ve guided her well and she has the skills she needs to make decisions that are in her own best interest.

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Nicole Burgess LMFT works with teen girls and women in overcoming anxiety and perfectionism and rediscovering joy. She offers both office and online therapy sessions for Indiana and California residents.

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If you can imagine the communication styles on a continuum, it would be passive on one end, assertive in the middle and aggressive on the other end. The goal is to use assertive communication in relationships.

Passive Communication

This style of communication doesn’t express feelings and wants clearly. The person may say nothing or makes excuses or apologies. The person’s voice is hesitant; eyes are downcast or not looking at the other person and posture is stooped. And there is excessive head nodding and hands are fidgety or clammy. An example is, “Sorry but I am not sure if you could possibly do something but I am hoping maybe you could……”

Assertive Communication

In this style of communication feelings and needs are expressed clearly. The person’s voice is firm, warm, and relaxed, eyes are looking at the person, but not staring, posture is relaxed and balanced, and hands are relaxed. Assertive communication has three components to it which are facts, feelings, and fair requests.

1. Facts only please: An example of factual observation is, “I notice the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes from last night’s dinner.” (I will discuss observing vs. evaluations in part two of the communication series.)
2. Feelings: What you feel vs. shaming or blaming the other person. An example of stating your feelings is, “When I came home from work and found dirty dishes in the sink, I felt frustrated.”
3. Fair request: This part needs to be clear, positive and in concrete action language. This is the famous “I” statement. An example of this all put together is, “When I came home today I noticed the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink from last night’s dinner. (Fact) I felt frustrated and hurt. (Feelings) When you said you were going to do the dishes this morning, I would like you to follow through, so I can count on you.” (Fair request)

Aggressive Communication

In this style the communication expresses feelings and wants, but puts the other person down, can be physically aggressive and makes “you” statements. “You” statements typically puts a person on the defensive. The person’s voice is loud and demanding, eyes are cold, staring and narrowed, posture is stiff, hands are on hips or maybe clenched or finger pointing. An example is, “You are so lazy! You never do anything I ask! If you don’t turn off the TV now I will break it!” (This is also considered verbally abusive, which will be explained more in part three of the communication series).

If you recognized a specific style you use, and it is not helping you in relating to others, you can begin to change it by practicing assertive communication.  Below are some resources that give more examples and other details within communication.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

How to Communicate: The Ultimate Guide to Improving Your Person and Professional Relationships by Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Martha Davis, Ph.D., and Patrick Fanning

In the next part of the series I will explain how to improve your skills on observing vs. evaluating another person’s behaviors. For now, keep being the best person you can be.  Or as Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Nicole Burgess is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in Indianapolis, IN. She works with tween and teen girls and women in overcoming anxiety through self-compassion and empathic connection. She is located close to Carmel, Fishers, Lawrence and Greenfield.

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If you are expecting your first child or having another baby these might be helpful:

And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D.

Raising a Self-Reliant Child: a Back-to-Basics Parenting Plan from birth to Age 6 by Dr. Alana Levine

These books focus on discipline at different developmental stages.

Positive Discipline (various books) by Jane Nelson

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas Phelan

SOS Help for Parents by Lynn Clark

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

The Parent’s Handbook: Systemative Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) by Don Dinkmeyer Dr., Gary D. McKay, & Don Dinkmeyer Jr.

Transforming the Difficult Child by Howard Glass, MA and Jennifer Easley, MA

Teach your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success by Madeline Levine, Ph.D.

If you are going through a divorce or separation these books can give guidance in helping your child or children through the transition.

Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastle Way by M. Gary Neuman

Parenting through Divorce: the Lasting Effects by Karen J. Todd, M.C. & Nancy Barros, M.A.

These books discuss creating a blended family or step-family.

How to Win as a Step-Family by Emily B. Visher, Ph.D. & John S. Visher, M.D

Step Families, Stepping Ahead by Stepfamilies Assoc. of America, Inc.

Mary Pipher’s book has been around for many years and I continue to refer her book to parents with pre-teen and teenage daughters.

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Shelves of Our Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher

Odd Girl Out The Hidden Culture of Aggression by Rachel Simmons

Check your local library or Amazon.com for these and other helpful parenting books.

Nicole Burgess is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in Indianapolis, IN. She works with children, adolescents, individuals and families who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma or life transitions. She is located close to Carmel, Fishers, Lawrence and McCordsville.

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Below I have listed some ways to help children and adults reduce stress or worries. While not an exhaustive list, it can serve as a starting place to remind each of us that we have control our emotions and learn to how react thoughtfully and calmly.

One: Draw it. Have your child draw their worries or fears on one piece of paper. On a second piece of paper, have your child draw a person(s), place, animal, or anything that makes them feel safe or happy or calm. For example, they might draw or write on one piece of paper about their fear being in the dark. On the other piece of paper, they might draw a picture of them petting their dog, which makes them feel calm and relaxed. You can tell them before they go to bed, to remember how they felt when they were petting their dog, and that calmness in their body. This can help your child become less worried about going to bed in the dark. Of course reassuring them you are there for them, can help too.

Two: Talk it out. Talking about what is worrying us can help reduce the emotional charge that situation or event has in that moment. Talk with people you feel safe with like parents, friends or other trusted people in your life. The person we are speaking with can empathize and validate our feelings, which can make us feel supported and loved and help diffuse our stress.

Three: Meditation or deep breathing. Taking five to ten minutes each morning to breath deeply, or during times of stress, can help reduce feeling overwhelmed. When we pay attention to our breathing, i.e. inhaling through our nose to a count of four and exhaling through our mouth for a count of four, we stop focusing on the chatter in our minds and begin to relax. If you get caught short of time and don’t have 5 or 10 minutes, take the time while brushing your teeth or sitting at a stop light, to notice each breath as you inhale and exhale, re-centering yourself.

Four: Good ole exercise. Taking a walk, whether it is with a friend or by your-self, can help reduce the stress you hold in your bodies. You can listen to your favorite calming music while exercising, focus on our breathing or practice mindfulness in observing your surroundings.

Five: The method that works for me may be different from what works for you, and that is okay. If you find listening to music, exercise or talking to someone isn’t working try something new. Journaling, drawing, guided imagery meditations, and writing music or poems are other ways to cope with stress and fears. Another option is writing down all your worries before bed, placing those worries in a “worry box”, and putting the box somewhere away from your bed. In the morning get your worry box out, review your worry and decide whether to carry them with you during the day or leave them behind in the box. Sometimes giving ourselves permission to worry helps decrease them. 

Primary care physicians have recommended reducing caffeine intake (a stimulant) if people struggle with anxiety. The literature is suggesting reducing children’s video, tv and game time prior to bed is recommended to also reduce anxiety.

If you or your child’s anxiety is interfering with school, work or family life, please feel free to contact Nicole to schedule an appointment.

Nicole Burgess is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in Indianapolis, IN. She works with children, adolescents, individuals and families who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma or life transitions. She is located close to Carmel, Fishers, Lawrence and McCordsville.

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Even us adults like to have some routine and predictability in our lives. Think about your morning routine you have before you head into the office or out with your children. If I were to tell you for the next two days you can’t have your coffee or tea in the morning and the following three days you can no longer shower in the morning but at night or vice versa of your normal routine, it would throw you off. It can be helpful to begin talking with your child or children about the plans for the summer. Will they attend a sports camp, go to grandparents, go to the Y, attend church camp or be in daycare. What ever the choice is for your family share that with your kiddos to help reduce worries and stress. If a different family member or family friend is picking them up or dropping them off at these events, make sure they know, so again they feel safe and secure. It can also be helpful to young children to have these items written down on the calendar and show them a few days before the change, the day before the change and the day of the change.  The more the transitions are talked about, the more reassurance your kids are getting from you that you have them and all is well.

Helpful resources for summer activities:

Your church
Local YMCA- http://www.indymca.org/classes-programs/camps/
Family/Friends
Horse camp
Art camp
Writing camp- http://www.butler.edu/english/writing-camp/creative-writing-camp/
Sports camp (baseball, volleyball, basketball)
Band camp-your school
Theater camp- http://www.cytindy.org/camps/
Sailing- http://indianapolissailing.org/

Nicole Burgess is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in Indianapolis, IN. She works with children, adolescents, individuals and families who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma or life transitions. She is located close to Carmel, Fishers, Lawrence and McCordsville.

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