Communication Skills - Nicole Burgess LMFT|Counseling|Leadership Coach|Indianapolis, IN

How to Recognize Verbal Abuse?

Nicole Burgess LMFT — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 20:00:19 +0000

This is part three of a three-part series in communication. In part one of this series we looked at the three different communication styles: passive, assertive and aggressive. If you missed it or would like to review it, click here. In part two we discussed the difference between observations and evaluation. If you missed it, click here. In this third part, verbally abusive communication, or also called emotional abuse, we discuss what it is and how to recognize it. There are many forms of abuse, such as physical, financial, sexual, and spiritual. These are not the focus in this piece. The common thread in all types of abuse is that the person doing the abusing (perpetrator) wants power and control. The abuser doesn’t have a specific “look” either. They are either male or female, from various ethnic groups or religious groups, or cultures, etc. Below I have listed various resources if you are a victim of abuse. No one deserves to be abused. Period.

Patricia Evans has written several books discussing verbal abuse. These include the topics: being a survivor of verbal abuse, teens being verbally abused at home or at school and identifying controlling behavior. She has helped raise awareness of how emotional abuse affects us, what behaviors to look for in an abusive relationship and what you can do to stop verbal abuse. Emotional abuse can happen anywhere at home, at school and even at the workplace.

Evans states ten general characteristics of verbal abuse on pages 81 to 84 in her book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond”:

Verbal abuse is hurtful
Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner
Verbal may be overt (angry outbursts and name calling), or covert (very, very subtle, like brainwashing)
Verbally abusive disparagement may be voices in an extremely sincere and concerned way.
Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling
Verbal abuse is insidious
Verbal abuse is unpredictable
Verbal abuse is the issue (the problem) in the relationship
Verbal abuse expresses a double message
Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety

You might be familiar with accusing and blaming, judging and criticizing or threatening, but how about these other categories Evans lists?

Categories of verbal abuse:

Withholding (passive communication was discussed in part one of this series. Click here for a refresher.)
Countering
Verbal abuse disguised as jokes
Blocking and diverting
Accusing and blaming
Judging and criticizing
Trivializing
Undermining
Threatening
Name calling
Forgetting
Ordering
Denial
Abusive anger

Evans states on page 89 that countering is, “…one of the most destructive to a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it consistently denies the victim’s realty, and it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything.” If you are doing any of these behaviors, you can stop them. The more we are aware of our thoughts and emotions, the more we can change our behaviors.

So how do you stop the abuse? Evans, and many others, has repeatedly given the empowering phrase, “Stop.” Again you do NOT deserve to be abused and you have the right to tell the other person to stop. If they continue to use abusive language Evans gives examples in each category of what more you can say. You also have the right to tell the person if they continue to speak to you in that way, you will walk away. You have the power over yourself to do what is best for you, not the other person.

You can stop the cycle of emotional abuse. Be the change that you want to see in your family, in your community and in our world.

As Amelia Earhart stated, “No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.”

So keep being the best person you can be.

Resources:

Books by Patricia Evans: “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond”, “Teen Torment”, “The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?”, “Controlling People”, and “Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out.”

“Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bandcroft

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org/

The Power and Control Wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

Local Resources for domestic violence the Indianapolis area:

Prevail: http://www.prevailofhamiltoncounty.com/

Coburn Place: http://coburnplace.org/

The Julian Center: http://www.juliancenter.org

Nicole Burgess is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in Indianapolis, IN. She works with children, adolescents, adults and families who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma or life transitions. She is located close to Fishers, Lawrence, Noblesville, and Greenfield.

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You are too giving-observation or evaluation?

Nicole Burgess LMFT — Tue, 02 Sep 2014 15:32:25 +0000

This is part two of a three part series in communication. In part one of this series we looked at the three different communication styles: passive, assertive and aggressive. If you missed it or would like to review it, click here. In part two observations vs. evaluation will be discussed, along with examples of each. When we become more aware of these differences in our communication, not only will it change how we respond, it changes how we listen too; which in turns helps the ones we are speaking with be less defensive, feel more valued and heard.

Observation

“The butterfly is sitting on the flower” is an example of an observation. In this example I am stating a fact vs. giving my opinion of the butterfly, i.e. “The beautiful butterfly is sitting gracefully on the flower”. Observing can be challenging for most of us because it is the nature of our minds to want to judge, criticize or place a personal analysis on things and people. How many people do you know that love being judged or criticized?

Evaluation

When we place our perceptions or judgments onto something or another person, we are making an evaluation. The online Merriam-Webster dictionary defines evaluation as “to judge the value or condition of (someone or something) in a careful and thoughtful way.” An example of this is, “You’re lazy because you never do the dishes when I ask.” Not only is this an opinion and judgment of another person, but it is also an example of an aggressive communication style. An observation statement would be, “I see the dishes are on the kitchen counter. I have asked you twice to please put them in the dishwasher. Please do this before I get home tonight.”

The following chart is from the book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life”(Pages 30-31) by Marshall B Rosenberg, Ph.D. He created it to aid distinguishing between observation and evaluation.

Communication	Example of observation with evaluation mixed in	Example of observation separate from evaluation
Use of verb to be without indication that the evaluator accepts responsibility for the evaluation	You are too generous.	When I see you give all your lunch money to others I think your being too generous.
Use of verbs with evaluative connotations	Doug procrastinates.	Doug only studies for exams the night before.
Implications that one’s inferences about another person’s thoughts, feelings, intentions, or desires are the only ones possible	She won’t get her work in.	I don’t think she’ll get her work in. Or… She said, “I won’t get my work in.”
Confusion of prediction with certainty	If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired.	If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear that your health may be impaired.
Failure to be specific about referents	Minorities don’t take care of their property.	I have not seen the minority family living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their sidewalk.
Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made	Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.	Hank Smith has not scored a goal in 20 games.
Use of adverb and adjectives in ways that do not signify an evaluation has been made	Jim is ugly.	Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me.

From the chart we can see that our choice of using an observation or evaluation in our communication really affects what we say and how others hear us.

Take five minutes each day this week to explore what you are observing vs. evaluating, and then incorporate observations into your assertive communication statements. In the next and last part of the series I will explain verbally abusive communication and how to recognize it. For now, keep being the best person you can be. Or as Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady, said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.

Nicole Burgess is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in Indianapolis, IN. She works with children, adolescents, individuals and families who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma or life transitions. She is located close to Carmel, Fishers, Lawrence and Greenfield.

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Three different communication styles

Nicole Burgess LMFT — Mon, 28 Jul 2014 22:58:35 +0000

This is part one of a three-part series in communication. Every day each of us communicates both verbally and non-verbally. How we communicate can have a big impact on how others respond to and behave toward us. And many messages are communicated non-verbally, i.e. tone of voice, body posture and eye contact. My hope is to help raise awareness of how our values, beliefs and thoughts impact what we say and do in relating to others. Remember, if you learned a dysfunctional communication style, it can be unlearned and a more productive way can be learned. The exciting part is, the more you know yourself the less you take things personally and can be more compassionate and empathic to others.

If you can imagine the communication styles on a continuum, it would be passive on one end, assertive in the middle and aggressive on the other end. The goal is to use assertive communication in relationships.

Passive Communication

This style of communication doesn’t express feelings and wants clearly. The person may say nothing or makes excuses or apologies. The person’s voice is hesitant; eyes are downcast or not looking at the other person and posture is stooped. And there is excessive head nodding and hands are fidgety or clammy. An example is, “Sorry but I am not sure if you could possibly do something but I am hoping maybe you could……”

Assertive Communication

In this style of communication feelings and needs are expressed clearly. The person’s voice is firm, warm, and relaxed, eyes are looking at the person, but not staring, posture is relaxed and balanced, and hands are relaxed. Assertive communication has three components to it which are facts, feelings, and fair requests.

Facts only please: An example of factual observation is, “I notice the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes from last night’s dinner.” (I will discuss observing vs. evaluations in part two of the communication series.)
Feelings: What you feel vs. shaming or blaming the other person. An example of stating your feelings is, “When I came home from work and found dirty dishes in the sink, I felt frustrated.”
Fair request: This part needs to be clear, positive and in concrete action language. This is the famous “I” statement. An example of this all put together is, “When I came home today I noticed the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink from last night’s dinner. (Fact) I felt frustrated and hurt. (Feelings) When you said you were going to do the dishes this morning, I would like you to follow through, so I can count on you.” (Fair request)

Aggressive Communication

In this style the communication expresses feelings and wants, but puts the other person down, can be physically aggressive and makes “you” statements. “You” statements typically puts a person on the defensive. The person’s voice is loud and demanding, eyes are cold, staring and narrowed, posture is stiff, hands are on hips or maybe clenched or finger pointing. An example is, “You are so lazy! You never do anything I ask! If you don’t turn off the TV now I will break it!” (This is also considered verbally abusive, which will be explained more in part three of the communication series).

If you recognized a specific style you use, and it is not helping you in relating to others, you can begin to change it by practicing assertive communication. Below are some resources that give more examples and other details within communication.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

How to Communicate: The Ultimate Guide to Improving Your Person and Professional Relationships by Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Martha Davis, Ph.D., and Patrick Fanning

In the next part of the series I will explain how to improve your skills on observing vs. evaluating another person’s behaviors. For now, keep being the best person you can be. Or as Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Nicole Burgess is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in Indianapolis, IN. She works with tween and teen girls and women in overcoming anxiety through self-compassion and empathic connection. She is located close to Carmel, Fishers, Lawrence and Greenfield.

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